As I look at Nora sleeping, I wonder if I will ever be able to give her the things that she needs. I wonder if I am a good mother. In the midst of fighting for custody and other things, I have come into a spell of melancholy, but this is a spell that seems more stubborn than others. I feel like I am not being the parent that I could be, the parent that I want to be and have been in the past months. I am too worried about paying the bills, feeding my child, passing school, moving, etc. to give her the things that I feel I should be giving her.

While I think all of these things, I recall hearing parents yell at their children to "shut the damn door" or "shut the hell up." These actions make no sense to me; I cannot wrap my mind around such despicable behavior. Deep down I know that the things I am doing with my life at the present are not permanent. I know that there will be better times. What I do have trouble with is wondering if I will know those better times when they finally arrive.

I left Nora's father to make me feel happier, but now I am more scared than I have been. I do not regret my actions. I do not want to continue walking down a path that leads to nothing. I've never dealt with loneliness, and I do not want my dealings with this unfamiliar friend to affect my child. I know no other way. I can not choose a different route. I know that if I am not content with myself, I can never teach her to be content with herself.

It just so happens that the road I am choosing is the most difficult road. The things that I want to give Nora are not easy things to give, especially as a single mother who is not finished with college. I will persevere; I have no other option. To give her the things that I want to give her, (open-mindedness, the freedom to make her own decisions, truth, love, comfort, intelligence, the ability to question what she is told) I have to do the things that I am doing.

R.W. Emerson

One of the only things that I liked about high school was a class called "study skills." I don't know that I learned anything about study skills in this class, but I did learn a lot of things. Occasionally the teacher (my father, by chance) would have us write a short essay about a quote that he wrote on the board. Of course, my writing was affected by my father's presence, but it was a great activity. I still like to do it from time to time; writing voluntary essays only proves that I am a English professor's wet dream.

Today I was reading the quotes on my iGoogle page, and there was one by Emerson. I like Ralph. He greatly influenced Thoreau, and he says some amazing things in "The American Scholar." So, when I was this quote by Emerson, I clicked the link to find a few pages of quotes. There I found the one below.

"Give all to love; obey thy heart."

Most people find it difficult to give all of themselves to anything, especially a thing that is as uncertain as love. While the Bible says that "love never fails," I am going to have to disagree. Love does fail. Even God had to look away from Jesus when was on the cross. This is not about my thoughts on Christianity though.

Love does fail. No one is perfect. People sub-consciously realize this. Then, because of this realization they will not give all of their heart, their love to another being. This action keeps people from truly feeling love or what love could be. This self-protection makes sense, considering that I just admitted that love fails. But, does love always fail? Just because it has always failed with me does not mean that it is destined to fail for everyone or forever. Why protect myself from something that might not fail?

The experience of love at its fullest would be worth the pain, would it not. Emerson's "Man Thinking" is also man experiencing. Why block any experience? Why not feel it all? I recently watched Waking Life. One scene in this movie is of two men in a bar. The older man says that people are depressed for one of two reasons: lack of experience or excess of experience. I agree. At least the latter of the two has blissful moments that he can look back on. He can look back and think, "I lived; I was completely alive."

That is what I want from my life. I want to look back and be able to truthfully say, "I lived. I lived passionately. I lived fully; I experienced. I was 'Woman Thinking.'"

I recomment Emerson, by the way.

pondering

I have been reading a lot of different things lately. One of the books I have been reading is THE ANALECTS. One passage in particular stuck out. It is Book I, Chapter XVI. It says, "The Master said: 'I will not grieve that men do not know me; I will grieve that I do not know men.'"

I thought of the people that I know. If I use the word "know" loosely, I could say that I "know" a lot of people. But, whom do I really know? Who really knows me? Do I know anyone? All sorts of questions came to mind.

The question that lingers is this: Are there men (or women) left that are worth knowing?

As I tried to think of persons that are worth knowing, I thought of myself. I asked myself, "Am I worth knowing?" What am I doing for others? What else could I be doing? What is the example that I am setting for my child and for other children?

I am still pondering these things. I can think of a few people who are worth knowing. I want to encounter more of those types of people. I want to be a member of that group.

The real question is this; whom do you know that is worth knowing? And, are you worth knowing? These can be rhetorical questions or not. It doesn't matter. These are just some things that have been on my mind.

A Rant

What has happened to everyone? I have been looking at my Facebook. I do not understand what is going on with people anymore. One of my "friends" has posted professional pictures of herself and her daughter. Normally this would not be an issue, but she is wearing next to nothing in a lot of these photos. I wonder what her little girl is learning from these photo sessions. She is teaching her vanity. She is teaching her that the only way to be accepted is to follow the girls in magazines. Why would someone want to to teach such things to her daughter? She isn't teaching her to be her own woman; she is teaching her to be the woman that the stereotypical man wants.

A day or so ago I noticed that another of my "friends" had updated her status to say something like "Billy Mays too! The world is coming to an end!" What the hell? People die everyday, and now just because a few famous people have died during the same week, it must be the end of the world. I do not understand. People are dying needlessly in Iran; people are dying needlessly all over the world. People are suffering all over the world, but Billy Mays death now signals the beginning of the end times?

Earlier tonight while I was waiting on my daughter to arrive, I spoke with my new neighbors. I have just moved into an apartment. I'd promised their daughter that I would show her my place once I got everything together. I brought her in. She was very excited to see everything. Then, I offered to read her a book. She became very excited. Children crave attention, and while some parents may think that the television will suffice; it will not. I am not trying to judge others' parenting skills, but I am determined to go above and beyond for my child. I do not comprehend how anyone can do otherwise.

Questions I have been pondering:
What does it mean to have a "green" theme on LiveJournal?
What are the $1.00 bags for sell at Wal-Mart made of?
Why has everyone forgotten that Michael Jackson is a child molester?
Why are there so many ingredients with names that I cannot pronounce in my soap/shampoo/hair products/make-up? Furthermore, why cannot not pronounce nor give definition to most of the ingredients in popular foods?

Lastly, I am angry with myself. I am having trouble controlling my emotions. I read all of these things. I witness wastefulness. I look back on my own wastefulness. I have to be able to control my anger and my other emotions. I have to know when to give my opinion and when to not give my opinion.

It is upsetting to me that the alternative lifestyle is the natural lifestyle.

I am at the end of my rope. I am starting fresh. I am thinking. I am living. Living hurts like hell by the way. Be prepared. If you ever decide to experience life fully, please realize that it hurts deeply and profoundly at times. It is also amazing.

I am going to start making my own soap and laundry detergent. I am streamlining my wardrobe, getting rid of unneccessary items. I have a lot of unneccesary items, by the way. I am trying to figure out just what the term "green" means. I have recently pondered what it means to be a fan of God on facebook, something that I am still trying to conceive.

I am now going to be looking for some sort of job that I can do from home while I homeschool my child as a single mother. Tough stuff. It will come with time. Until then, she will have to go to day care while I finish school. Someday I will live the life that I want. Until that day comes I will work diligently to get to that place.

I will let you know how the soap making goes. It should be fun. I am also learning to can. I plan to take lessons from my grandma (Memaw), and I plan to help my grandfather in his garden. I swear, that man can grow anything. I would probably believe it if he told me that he was growing a hot dog tree.

I am hoping to make this blog into something I am proud of, something I can share with others. It will definitely be a mixture of a lot of different things. I am working on some short writing. I am going to school. I am trying desperately not to fall apart because the man of my dreams is in Africa; he will be shortly at least. He certainly isn't with me, at least not physically. I am also determinedly trying to figure out exactly what it is that I believe. I am pouring, when the time is available, over different holy writings.

I have too much going on. Now that I have turned my mind back on, I refuse to turn it off.