Friday, December 10, 2010

I'm still frightened to wake in a lonely house at night. I've lived on my own for over three years now. Why do I still lie in bed for a moment before I can get up to use the toilet in the middle of the night? Nothing is there. No one is there. That's the problem. I don't fear that someone has unexpectedly come into my house.

It's the absence.

These thoughts led me to think about my own power. I've been taught that I should be afraid, especially of men. I've been conditioned to worry that someone or everyone is out to get me. Why should I be so conceited? I'm not that important, and those who do find me to be important are not trying to hurt me.

Where is my inner strength? Did someone take it? Yes. It was me. I took my own strength and confidence, or I let it be taken from me.

I've been told multiple times that things will be better for me when I straighten out and get back into church, that I'm just messed up right now. I've also been told that when I find a husband to take care of me, I'll feel better. I'll be the first to admit that I feel more comfort when my partner or a close friend is in my house, but why does a husband solve all of my issues? Do I even have issues? (Of course, but not that type.)

I find that my irrational fears and self-doubt have been spoon-fed to me for many years from my family (who are well intentioned), the media, and society at large. Sometimes I've felt like I walked into that song by the Pixies, right into the chorus.. "Where is my mind?"

I'm finding it. I've had some wonderful support, and this process is far from over, but I'm finally on the right path.

Monday, December 6, 2010

We've traversed so much in such a short amount of time. Now there are suddenly curtains, and I've hung the broom and owl above the table. There is a flower painted on wood above our bed, and curtains (real curtains) are hanging over the windows. The Christmas tree is up. It is maybe a foot tall and white. It has candy-canes on it, and Nora and I decorated it well.

How strange to break traditions. I had to walk myself into work today.

It seems that I asked my mom to come help me clean up, and now things look different. Parts of this I like, and parts.. seem fake and unreal. It is like I can change a house's comfort level by adding curtains. How silly. At least no one can see in any longer.