"I realized I had nothing else I wanted to say to him. I stopped talking, nothing feeding nothing until nothing was huge and nothing begot nothing. Feeling nothing is not good, but it's where a lot of people stop and stay. The nothingness is so delusional and numbing. It's like stretching out in the snow and taking a little nap, and the comfort of discomfort is a scary thing. The lull into nothingness should be feared by all. " -Jill McCorkle
That quote is from a short story called "P.S."
These few sentences reminded me of the feel that I got when I'd finished The Awakening by Kate Chopin. That book changed my life. I don't know that this story would have had the same effect at the time, but I do know that it'd have taken much less time to read.
I've been in that relationship. Maybe not the very one from this story, but in that nothing relationship. "Nothingness should be feared by all." That is true. Because, nothing can become quite comfortable. The trick is to find someone who pushes you to be a better person, to be more like the person that you wanted to be as a young adult. Find that.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
unforunately
"Money" - Dana Gioia
We are covering this poem, among others, in my poetry class today. It is amazing how some things just simply fall into place. The more that I learn about the world's dependence on money, the more sickened I become. There is nothing to be done at this point, but resigning to that fact is something that I do not want to do. Nonetheless, the poem rings true.
Money, the long green,
cash, stash, rhino, jack
or just plain dough.
Chock it up, fork it over,
shell it out. Watch it
burn holes through pockets.
To be made of it! To have it
to burn! Greenbacks, double eagles,
megabucks and Ginnie Maes.
It greases the palm, feathers a nest,
holds heads above water,
makes both ends meet.
Money breeds money.
Gathering interest, compounding daily.
Always in circulation.
Money. You don't know where it's been,
but you put it where your mouth is.
And it talks.
We are covering this poem, among others, in my poetry class today. It is amazing how some things just simply fall into place. The more that I learn about the world's dependence on money, the more sickened I become. There is nothing to be done at this point, but resigning to that fact is something that I do not want to do. Nonetheless, the poem rings true.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
the couple
I am most often found in the library when I am on campus and not in class. I am usually reading. I have often noticed an elderly couple who frequents the library.
The man waits patiently, seeking no extra conversation. His wife, being more inclined to speak to others, asks the librarian about which books her husband should next peruse. He wears his usual uniform consisting of flannel and Dickies. His tennis shoes, worn and dirty, have walked many a mile at this point in their career. She wears a simple navy jacket, aged and comfortable, and a pair of faded jeans. Her tennis shoes are also dirt-stained and passe. His glasses are thick; her hair is short.
He reads dilapidated books on various topics. She scans local and national newspapers for random bits of information, rising to speak to the assorted patrons of the library. They speak to each other in half sentences with a communication so familiar that it requires little more than a glance to convey an entire sentence. The connection they have with one another is as weathered as their complexions, yet it can be seen through their simple habits. Their connection can be heard through the minute inflections barely audible in their whispers.
Sitting a few feet from them, I feel as though I have somehow become a part of this antique love and connection. By witnessing something that has remained pure despite the unknown lives that have been led around and through it, I've learned some valuable truth. Giving word to that truth is something I am failing at right now. But, I know, it will form of its own accord at the precise moment it is needed. Until then, their easy way will remain in my mind. I will continue to strive for the same sort of connections in my life.
The man waits patiently, seeking no extra conversation. His wife, being more inclined to speak to others, asks the librarian about which books her husband should next peruse. He wears his usual uniform consisting of flannel and Dickies. His tennis shoes, worn and dirty, have walked many a mile at this point in their career. She wears a simple navy jacket, aged and comfortable, and a pair of faded jeans. Her tennis shoes are also dirt-stained and passe. His glasses are thick; her hair is short.
He reads dilapidated books on various topics. She scans local and national newspapers for random bits of information, rising to speak to the assorted patrons of the library. They speak to each other in half sentences with a communication so familiar that it requires little more than a glance to convey an entire sentence. The connection they have with one another is as weathered as their complexions, yet it can be seen through their simple habits. Their connection can be heard through the minute inflections barely audible in their whispers.
Sitting a few feet from them, I feel as though I have somehow become a part of this antique love and connection. By witnessing something that has remained pure despite the unknown lives that have been led around and through it, I've learned some valuable truth. Giving word to that truth is something I am failing at right now. But, I know, it will form of its own accord at the precise moment it is needed. Until then, their easy way will remain in my mind. I will continue to strive for the same sort of connections in my life.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
simple?
I yearn for simplicity, for childlike days. The closest that I can come to this sensation is by watching Nora explore the hidden qualities of the morning sun. I must delight in her constant surprise in the things that remain the same day after day.
As an adult (a young adult, might I add), I am sometimes forced to make choices based on what the decision will yield, and at times, no matter how much weight I put upon the good outcome, the other factors continue to yield more than a fair share to the end result.
I am now going to begin an overhaul of my life. I am beginning to change my habits, slowly, one by one. I began this process by cutting out television. I am now considering disconnecting the internet at my home, only getting online when I am at work or school. This idea could have an interesting overall effect on my life in general. I would write more things down in my journal and read even more than I do at the moment.
I am desperately seeking ways to be more connected to those around me. This task can be more than daunting at times. There are some people who I cannot connect to at all, yet, if I am going to try to learn more about people, then I must work on a connection with everyone. I feel that television and the social media network are having a severe effect on communication. This effect can be seen in the sudden lulls in conversation when outside media comes to a halt, or one can simply look to the ear "buds" which seem to have attached themselves to the heads of anxious youngsters the world over, only caring to listen to a personal soundtrack and ignoring the passing days with a sickening ease.
I long for something true. This is something that I've found, and the only way that I know to cling to this particular connection is to let it go. Now I am meandering in a world full of superficial conversations and glances; my focus lies only on what is ahead, for pondering the present too closely only leads to destruction. The future is filled with ambiguity, but I will continue to hope for bliss while I go about my daily routine.
Post Script:
I am planning to do more blogging from now on. I want this to focus more on the daily life of a college student, single mother who is striving for more than the average life. We'll see if school and all of its hindrances lead this plan astray.
As an adult (a young adult, might I add), I am sometimes forced to make choices based on what the decision will yield, and at times, no matter how much weight I put upon the good outcome, the other factors continue to yield more than a fair share to the end result.
I am now going to begin an overhaul of my life. I am beginning to change my habits, slowly, one by one. I began this process by cutting out television. I am now considering disconnecting the internet at my home, only getting online when I am at work or school. This idea could have an interesting overall effect on my life in general. I would write more things down in my journal and read even more than I do at the moment.
I am desperately seeking ways to be more connected to those around me. This task can be more than daunting at times. There are some people who I cannot connect to at all, yet, if I am going to try to learn more about people, then I must work on a connection with everyone. I feel that television and the social media network are having a severe effect on communication. This effect can be seen in the sudden lulls in conversation when outside media comes to a halt, or one can simply look to the ear "buds" which seem to have attached themselves to the heads of anxious youngsters the world over, only caring to listen to a personal soundtrack and ignoring the passing days with a sickening ease.
I long for something true. This is something that I've found, and the only way that I know to cling to this particular connection is to let it go. Now I am meandering in a world full of superficial conversations and glances; my focus lies only on what is ahead, for pondering the present too closely only leads to destruction. The future is filled with ambiguity, but I will continue to hope for bliss while I go about my daily routine.
Post Script:
I am planning to do more blogging from now on. I want this to focus more on the daily life of a college student, single mother who is striving for more than the average life. We'll see if school and all of its hindrances lead this plan astray.
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