staggering

Today it all began to cave in. I needed solitude, if only for a an hour. My mom took Nora to church with her, so I got a little bit of free time.

I drove without thinking; I didn't know where to go. I ended up at a cemetery. Maybe on a subconscious level I thought that these ancient souls and decaying bodies could solve my problems. Maybe the realization of death can somehow ease life's aches. For whatever reason, I ended up at Lunenburg.

The grass seemed exceptionally green, the trees abnormally large. As I walked from stone to stone, I did not feel alone. The number of lives that have been led, that are being led is staggering. I touched the moss covering the names of forgotten people. I wept for the young and old, resting and writhing under my feet. I delicately touched the broken tombstones. I let my touch linger on the name of a child. I fell upon my knees, weeping for those that I do not know.

When I arrived at the cemetery, I thought that I would somehow receive answers to unspoken questions, attain the solutions to my problems. I am still unsure about what I did obtain. I know that I will ponder the moments spent there for months to come. I know that their spirits touched me today, in an unexpected and discerning way.

It made me think of a poem by Emily Dickinson.

I died for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied.
"And I for truth - the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a-night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.