I'm still frightened to wake in a lonely house at night. I've lived on my own for over three years now. Why do I still lie in bed for a moment before I can get up to use the toilet in the middle of the night? Nothing is there. No one is there. That's the problem. I don't fear that someone has unexpectedly come into my house.

It's the absence.

These thoughts led me to think about my own power. I've been taught that I should be afraid, especially of men. I've been conditioned to worry that someone or everyone is out to get me. Why should I be so conceited? I'm not that important, and those who do find me to be important are not trying to hurt me.

Where is my inner strength? Did someone take it? Yes. It was me. I took my own strength and confidence, or I let it be taken from me.

I've been told multiple times that things will be better for me when I straighten out and get back into church, that I'm just messed up right now. I've also been told that when I find a husband to take care of me, I'll feel better. I'll be the first to admit that I feel more comfort when my partner or a close friend is in my house, but why does a husband solve all of my issues? Do I even have issues? (Of course, but not that type.)

I find that my irrational fears and self-doubt have been spoon-fed to me for many years from my family (who are well intentioned), the media, and society at large. Sometimes I've felt like I walked into that song by the Pixies, right into the chorus.. "Where is my mind?"

I'm finding it. I've had some wonderful support, and this process is far from over, but I'm finally on the right path.

We've traversed so much in such a short amount of time. Now there are suddenly curtains, and I've hung the broom and owl above the table. There is a flower painted on wood above our bed, and curtains (real curtains) are hanging over the windows. The Christmas tree is up. It is maybe a foot tall and white. It has candy-canes on it, and Nora and I decorated it well.

How strange to break traditions. I had to walk myself into work today.

It seems that I asked my mom to come help me clean up, and now things look different. Parts of this I like, and parts.. seem fake and unreal. It is like I can change a house's comfort level by adding curtains. How silly. At least no one can see in any longer.

caps

There are many times when it is unfortunate that I am a Capricorn. That stubborn streak can get on my own nerves. Yet at other moments, I am so proud to have that particular streak. Goal oriented. That helps too.

options

I've recently been reading quite a lot feminist material and history. In one book, Listen Up, I believe one line has remained in my mind. It is something like this: None of the things that I am currently doing with my life were presented as options for my life when I was young.

That statement rings true for me.

Looking back the options laid out before me were to go to college (which is certainly good), get married, live close to home, have babies, and most likely teach at a local public school. (I am not trying to say that these are not viable options for some.)

The exact words of, "Lauren, this is what we expect," were never actually said aloud. What I do remember is my mom encouraging me to plan out how my wedding would look from a very early age, let's say eight. I also know that I living in another state was not presented at something I should do, especially not long term. I could travel, but I would come back. Since I had an affinity for school and English more especially, I was always pushed in the teaching direction. I even remember having discussions in my early teens with my parents and family about where I should teach and how I should go about it.

No one ever said things like, "You don't have to immediately get married." No one said, "You can live elsewhere." No one said, "Hey, check out this other religion, and let me know what you think about it after being raised as a Christian."

Now I am a legally singe woman raising my daughter. While being a parent is certainly stressful and poses many difficulties, I would not change it. I would not change that it happened when I was not married. That was certainly not an option that was presented to me; on the contrary, those that went through such things were presented as having made unfortunate decisions; ones that I should NEVER make.

I live with my boyfriend and partner. That mode of living was certainly never presented. I happen to be heterosexual. What if I had been homosexual? That was not an option.

I am no longer a Christian. Not an option.

I want to live outside of the U.S. Not an option.

How do we change this? How do we raise the next generation to be more open to other possibilities?

what more can i say?